Sometimes I wonder when others share their story how aware they are that this is only the beginning. Our stories are only up until the point of which we know them now. They are far from being over as God is constantly weaving our tapestry. There’s a new chapter being written everyday.
I don’t know where or how I got the picture in my head of God weaving a tapestry, but it’s been there for as long as I can remember. Even before I came to Christ, I have always had this image of God weaving this beautiful, colorful tapestry of my life. Of course, there may be parts thrown in that I don’t particularly like, but it’s my life. It’s my tapestry and each thread tells the story of where I’ve been and where I am going.
What I love most about my tapestry is how the thread begins far before I was even birthed into this world. Growing up, I knew I was wanted. Not only that, but I was birthed into this world through the prayers of my mother. I entered this world an answered prayer and my thread begins with my mother’s imagination and longing to have me. Her constant prayers of another daughter. She didn’t care how I entered this world; she just wanted to have me and the Lord answered.
For a time, I thought perhaps I shouldn’t have been prayed for or wanted. My teens into my early twenties, I was a pretty messed up kid. Mental illness colored so much of my life. Trauma. I always felt the odd kid out. Nothing made sense to me. I was always different. I was never like the others kids, always off. I felt more of a burden than anything else. I would wonder why my mother wanted me so badly. If she knew she would get a screwed up kid like me, would she change her mind? If she knew all the problems that would arise, would I still be worth it.
I’m not a mother, but I know the answers are a resounding yes. Children come to us as they are. It is up to the parent to nurture the child as they already are. Not to change them into something the parent wishes them to be.
Looking back, I can see where the Lord has been stitching together the threads that would tie me even closer to Him. Such as going through mental illness. Seeing a loved one struggle with health issues. Going through trauma myself and looking for love in all the wrong places (cool points if you know that song). I see Him in every stage of my life. When I didn’t want anything to do with Him, to seeking Him, to now learning about Him and falling in love with Him.
Not to be cliché, but my relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship with a man that I’ve ever had. Each day is a learning experience. Each moment is something brand new. When you come from a trauma background such as mine and struggling with men, surrendering to Jesus may not be so easy. I fought tooth and nail for years.
I felt so dirty. Tainted. I kept trying to make myself clean so that I could come to Jesus. It took me a very long time to realize that He just wanted me in my mess. He didn’t care about the scars. He didn’t care about the mud and the muck. He just wanted me. He would take care of the rest. He just wanted to love me. He wanted to save me from myself.
My regret is that I didn’t learn this sooner and let Him into my life years ago. It would have caused me so much less heartache. Yet even all that I have gone through, some of it at least, I can see why it was allowed. I can see Him trying to reach me. Waiting ever so patiently.
Coming to Christ isn’t where my story ends. It is where it begins again. This time with Him. In Him. He continues to stitch every thread. He continues to weave and author my story. Trusting Him and surrendering to Him is difficult for me. It is very hard. But I am learning to do so. I am learning to be proud of the tapestry He has weaved and how to glorify Him in every thread. Because I truly am trying to believe that suffering isn’t just meant to torment us. That some good can come out of our darkest moments. Our deepest pain can create light for others if we turn it around with His help.
Our tapestries are always being woven together by the One who created us all out of nothing. I am constantly in awe of what He is doing. And I am so very thankful for His patience as I caught up to what He was doing and had already done.